I committed in my last post to try making simple choices and following through. I started with one decision at a time, made the best decision in the moment and did not back down from it. It has been about 10 days and I think “Operation Boss Lady” is going relatively well.
As readers of this blog know, I often struggle with balance or worrying about my husband feeling something is unfair or that it could be “too much.” The vast majority of contributors all suggest just taking control, owning it and acknowledging that while resistance or “unfairness” may happen, it is kind of what we each signed up for in deciding to walk this path. In fact, my husband does not want an equal relationship. He wants me to lead. So in spending countless time and energy trying to make it seem or feel equal or worrying too much about the impact something will have, I am really just spinning my wheels and depriving us both of what we actually need/want. It was this realization that got me back on the path of leading.
While I feared increased control or strictness could breed resentment, it has the opposite effect. He needs the structure and the clarity. He needs the consistency and knowing what is expected. I also think, although probably less so in the moment, that he craves the accountability as well. Being in this type of relationship really requires some shifts in conventional thinking and finding ways to make sense of concepts that perhaps seem counter intuitive. It is the difference between viewing follow up as being a nag or as holding him accountable.
It also is not just better for him. It is better for me. It is easier for me to know that when I make a decision, it will be followed because I am not leaving room for resistance. It is also easier because I have control over my own life and can be responsible for the choices I make, which also means I have no one to blame but myself if it turns out not to be the best choice. It is just simpler and easier.
So I say to all of the hesitant women out there, just own it. Even if just for a few days or a few weeks, commit to making the decisions, leading and holding him accountable so you both get some traction. My guess is that it will reap positive rewards because he will react well to the structure and consistency, which then provides confidence that can be hard to come by when first starting out on this. When you can see the positive changes in behavior and the lack of resistance you feared, each choice or action becomes just a little easier the next time. Sometimes you really have to fake it until you make it.
It is also nice to know that you are not alone. As much as I have appreciated all of the comments, the ones that have meant the most to me are those that recognize this is neither easy nor perfect. Yes, it is ideal to be in a relationship where it all just works in perfect harmony and each embraces the role chosen with flawless perfection. I am happy for each of you that claims to have that type of completely linear path. That rainbow covered cave full of unicorns just does not exist for me and putting that unattainable requirement of at or near perfect all the time just exhausts me.
We each do the best we can, and some days it is better than others. But just knowing that you can stumble or be uncertain about your footing and still come back or make a different choice the next day to get back on the path is heartening. So even if there is a day your leadership was not as strong or your submission was colored by emotional reactions or otherwise not what would be ideal for you or your Mistress, try again. Make a simple choice- be it to lead or to follow and keep repeating.